Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’m confused about plants
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…