Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Donkey Kong sommelier

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!