It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.