Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

TODAY

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Already got one

you gotta be faster

I love you to the refrigerator and back

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.