@MommaUnfiltered

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@WelBeast

“I don’t want to disappoint you”

First of all, I support Arsenal

@waitfortheQ

My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.

@skitzoette

When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?

@PleaseBeGneiss

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

@hipstermermaid

“500 Days of Summer” was pretty good for a movie I was expecting to be about global warming.

@kobychill

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@TigNotaro

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.