It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour


“I don’t want to disappoint you”

First of all, I support Arsenal


My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.


When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?


Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*


God: all of them


“500 Days of Summer” was pretty good for a movie I was expecting to be about global warming.


friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower


learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar


Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.