It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.