It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
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I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.