It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
happy friday
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
jesus christ confetti not now
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.