It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.