Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean