It’s so cool how computers have made life simpler I tell myself and all 36,759 of my unread emails.
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.