it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget