Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

consequences, the bane of my existence

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes