Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.