It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.