It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Somebody call the cops.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…