@chrislhayes

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

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@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

@momopface

WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.

@Parkerlawyer

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

@LostFelicia

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

@TheHyyyype

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

@MarfSalvador

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

@bonehugsnirony

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@Cheeseboy22

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave