It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

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My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.


WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.


In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.


Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.


dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed


me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high


Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no


Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?


I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.


[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave