Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

😂😂

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie