It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
🙂🐾
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now