Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

this is funnier than any friends episode

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.