It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!