Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

Somebody’s lying.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope