It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.