It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
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those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.