It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
You Might Also Like
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
you could not pay me to delete this app
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.