It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
You Might Also Like
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.