It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I am all good here, 😂😉
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem