It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.