It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My dating profile:
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.