Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

I know a bad idea when I see one.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere