Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert