Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF