It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
You Might Also Like
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Does your wife know you’re single?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Thaw me like one of your french fries
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*