It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
You Might Also Like
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.