It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
work smarter, not harder
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red