It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.