It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Yoga Matt
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
What if the weather talks about us?