It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia