It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
You Might Also Like
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed