It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think