It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.