Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Worth a try

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.