It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The smoothest fall of all time
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!