Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Stop.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

There is wisdom there.

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]