It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.