It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
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If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
those birds must be on payroll
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.