Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Google assistant rules

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.