It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
You Might Also Like
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Icarus loved hot wings.
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.