It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
About to throw up
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Smells like a challenge to me
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭