Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.