It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
