Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…