Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life