It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
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wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.