It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
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[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.