It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
When you put it that way… 😂
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?