Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.