It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
![]()
You Might Also Like
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Well. That’s not a good sign.
![]()
Doctors texting each other.
![]()
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
![]()
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.