Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him