Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Ugh

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.