It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
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A thread 🧵
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Tuesday
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…