It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
This is why I hate group projects
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at