it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.