Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.