it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020