it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird