Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

👻

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Not even remotely sorry.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids