it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I think my mom just blocked me
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
just gave your address to some spiders
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi