it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
You Might Also Like
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.