It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid