It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Greeting humans vs their dogs