It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
stand with me against insufficient seating
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Just this preview of the story is enough
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.