It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
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If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Smooooooth
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.