It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
SONOFA
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
This could be us but you eatin’
