It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser