I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.