It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
the saddest jazz hands ever
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.