It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*