It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.