It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
anyone else like Italian cereal
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
good let them take over I have had enough
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.