It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
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Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Lmao 🤣
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭