It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*