It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
A double negative is a big no-no.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article