Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

Same post same

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts