It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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me irl
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
When I said I liked it rough.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
